Today is the 14th of February, nine months from May 22nd, less eight days since the day of Jonathan's accident. A lot has happened since then.  After we buried our beloved on the 4th of June, we have returned to his grave  once per week to mourn and pay our respects. We believe at some point we may move from the state and this will become increasingly hard to do.  Perhaps also, the pain will subside enough to bear facing the future without him.  Of course we  are trying to put the pieces back together and move on.  This includes the great struggle surrounding the principle of forgiveness, for the individual who slaughtered our son.

But not for him only  but for me as well. The regret and nearly unbearable sense of loss, that somehow I am partially at fault because in that one moment in his life when he so desperately needed the help of a father I utterly failed him.

After all, protecting one's children from harm is what fathers do.

I am now retired. The days pass in an endless stream of working on personal projects, trying to catch up on current events, church work, selling our home, and  preparing - mentally, and emotionally for the up coming trial.  Three days of  reliving in graphic detail the last moments and days of Jonathan's life.

For us, whether the criminal is sent to jail for twenty years, or gets an all expense paid vacation to some tropical island as his punishment, that we live as our  son- and as the savior would have us live, is our highest moral imperative. That we turn from anger to complete that  journey we are on, and finish whatever God placed us on earth to do, however insignificant the meaning of that journey may turn out to be.

Perhaps it is a selfish notion, but according to my understanding, it will be by grace I am saved after all I can do, but in the end, if I am faithful and do my duty, it will allow me to be with my son in the resurrection.

Of all the pain I have experienced in the last nine months, the thought of not seeing my son again or not being with my wife and children in heaven is the most unbearable  of all.